The Prophet Blorngies has arrived

Greetings you loyal filth and chunks of offal. My what a long time it's been since your last piece of gospel. Nameless intern #4775 is off right now, tending to a mighty head wound I produced upon him. I am the Prophet Blorngies. I will be your bringer of knowledge and sadness until Nameless Intern #4775 recovers/dies. I look forward to bombarding you with my beliefs and tales of whimsey. May strife and bitter discontent be with you.
                                                      
                            - The Prophet Blorngies

VHS OF THE WEEK & BPC HALL OF FAME ENTRY #01: NIGHTBEAST

Hello again, it sure has been a while. I was banished to solitary confinement for 15 months because I asked Dark Lord to help me lift an 80 pound steel ball off my foot, that he dropped there. But it's alright, now I'm more loyal than ever! This week we're proud to introduce our new feature: "VHS of the Week". VHS of the Week will spotlight films directly out of the BP Corporations video library.  The Dark Lord and C.twat commanded me to begin with an ode to a true hero. This week we celebrate the miracle and majesty that is Nightbeast.

It's a nice VHS. Comes in a beautiful clamshell case and a nice long set of Paragon trailers, including "Hotwire!" to get you in the mood. The viewing rate is so high I'm surprised the VCR hasn't stripped it completely of it's magnetic particles. When holding conventions and entertaining guests at the BP Mansion it is kept on for background ambience. It is also one of the first films forced upon entry level interns to study and learn.
This will not only be the first "VHS of the Week" but also the very first induction into the prestigious "ButtPoo Hall of Fame".  A spot reserved for only the finest of ButtPoo tastes. Not just any film can be inducted into the BPC Hall of Fame as it is the highest honor of achievement. For consideration it needs to fulfill all of these strict guidlines:

ButtPoo Hall of Fame Criteria

1. For better or worse, the film has had a profound impact on ButtPoothean philosophy, culture, language, and general way of life.
2. It is currently on the shelf at BPC headquarters.
3. It is viewed AT LEAST one time in a month.
4. Goes well with morning coffee.

Nightbeast exceeds those expectations above and beyond. To commemorate this grand event we hereby declare it "Nightbeast Week" at ButtPoo HQ!
To honor this hero's life on this planet, and the things he did on it, we recommend you view the film twice a night up to the weekend, at which point you will set the movie on a continuous loop and have it playing 'round the clock for 48 hours. And you will enjoy mass quantities of the human character Drago's (and presumably Nightbeast's) favorite liquid: Beer. As well as vodka and waters, mild. Then, as Nightbeast hath done, you will prowl the countryside violently assaulting humans. Get going, and remember one thing: "Don't argue with Krebs, Doc."

NIGHTBEAST

He always had a smile on his face, that's for sure. Especially when he snuck up on humans for the sole reason of eviscerating them. Or when he would burn complete strangers to cinders with his laser blaster.  The way he just stomped through anything that got in his path, they way he handled himself under an assault of puny human weapons. Simply awe inspiring. He often enjoyed flying right through planets and exploding asteroids with his spaceship.  And he could never turn down the chance to smash up a doctors office. Whether it be doctors offices or the Mayor's "mansion", you could be sure to find him lurking in the basement. Dwelling. I can only assume that it resembles the dry, cool atmosphere of his home planet. Sadly, he succomed to his greatest weakness, massive quantities of electricity.

Here's the sad scene where Nightbeast loses his gun.

On break from Nightbeast's rampage, humans engage in appetite-ruining sex act.

Other covers depicting Nightbeast's heart-melting smile.

Back when Blockbuster was a place that had nice things.

Classic Nightbeast move.

"Comin atchya!"

We praise Nightbeast's reckless, blood-thirsty melee this week. And a personal message from the Dark Lord and C.Twat: "If youz don't have a copy of this film in your possession you are a pitiful, disgusting, uncultured fuck." Be forewarned however, VHS of the Week has been put in place as a low level phase of the massive education campaign, 'Operation Stranglehold'. Set in motion to begin the assimilation of the unenlightened public into the beliefs and customs of the BPC. Slowly but surely, all will be Nameless Interns. Be smart and get used to celebrating Nightbeast Week on your own, as it will eventually be mandated by law and you will have no choice.


Nightbeast - 1982
Director: Don Dohler
VHS Dist: Paragon

Toiling forever in misery,
-Nameless intern #4775

ButtPoo TV Announces New Episodes of Dark Lord's House

The ButtPoo TV Network announced today that production has begun on new episodes of the hit series Dark Lord's House. Cultural magnates The Dark Lord and C.Twat have professed their excitement in working together again after their public falling out and being back on TV to, "confuse and disgust" the American public. Fans around the world have rejoiced in the news and several large scale riots have erupted in many U.S. and European cities alike. Religious groups and conspiracy theorists are already blaming the return of the series for the cause of the 2012 apocalypse and protesting it vehemently. Airing for only one season in 1998, the series was canceled and banned worldwide due to it's incessant promotion and graphic depictions of violence, nudity, defamation and the eager consumption of bodily fluids and excrement. Since then the show has become a cult sensation through the internet, since all hard copies have been destroyed. The ButtPoo TV network announced 12 new episodes to be in production and will begin airing in early 2012. It is also rumored that collaborators on the episodes include Hollywood legends Martin Lawrence, John Milius, Morgan Freeman and many others. If true, the end of the world is a small price to pay for new episodes of Dark Lord's House.

Here's a little something to keep you moist until then.

UNCLE STEPDAD: The New American Hero!!!

Hello again stupid and malleable masses! Boy do I have a treat for you today. The ButtPoo TV network, already known world wide for it's hit programming and the all-time classic Dark Lord's House has just announced a new show for their upcoming schedule. Say hello to your Uncle Stepdad.




Huddled in the corner for warmth, yours truly,
-Nameless Intern # 4775.

HOLLAND TOLERATES!

This was sent to us from Ghroul in Amsterdam. Thanks Ghroul, keep tolerating oppression and purchasing ButtPoo Corp. Merchandise.

TOLERATE OPPRESSION: SIMPLE WAYS TO UPSET YOUR COMMUNITY

Hello again faithful minions. Here at the ButtPoo Corp. we make it our daily objective to generally disrupt and abuse the fabric of decent society. Most notably the types that have a positive outlook on life and believe in things such as "peace" and "freedom". These people think that not only do they have a surplus of human rights, but that they actually deserve them. Too much freedom and what do you get? Another Vegan straight-edge with a fixed gear bike, rolled up tight jeans, gauged ears, a military hat and a shoulder bag. People are getting too comfortable thinking they should be celebrated as independent, open-minded individuals, even though they all think and dress the same anyway. Sure, we vigorously promote thoughtlessness and complacency, but not to the pathetic degree that people are actually doing it. 

    With the recent streak of socially tolerant attitudes that's plaguing our country, we feel it's necessary to aid in your anti-social disruption of the community at large. But back to "Tolerance" for a moment. Why would one ever want to tolerate the beliefs, lifestyle, or presence of another person? What ever happened to hate, fear and closed mindedness? It is our goal to use this idea of "tolerance" to help spread our message of intolerance. Tolerate Oppression, it has a nice ring to it. And since you've been doing it from the second you were born, you might as well keep it official and use the stickers to serve as a reminder to the often forgetful public.

Stick them on poles, vehicles, billboards, churches, sleeping bums, coffee shops and where ever else you deem fit. People don't like to be reminded of misery and mifortune, so remind them. Hopefully it will ruin their day and crush their fragile soul a little further. $2 for a stack, details at the bottom.

Now let's examine a few more ideas that should aggravate your community.

Lets start with these purple and yellow equality stickers. Here's a simple way to put the "dis" in "respect".

Simply take a 3 inch piece of Yellow 1/2" electrical tape. Place it diagonally over the sticker in 'forward slash' position and...

Bingo! Inequality. Now that's an idea I can get behind.  I'm sure by now you're all up in arms about this being "anti-gay". So before you drop your gluten-free enema, I suppose it is a good time to shed some light on the ButtPoo philosophy. We here at the ButtPoo Corp. express a non-discriminatory hatred towards all races, cultures, and creeds. Whether one be white, black, Indian, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, and all the rest, they are viewed with an equal amount of disgust. The beliefs and traditions of any individual or group aren't worth more than the bloody diarrhea I was forced to take on Gordon B. Hinkley's grave.  In fact, if the gay community feels we would go out of our way to discriminate them then they are simply flattering themselves. Therefore making them feel they deserve special discrimination, which they do not. They cause the bile to rise to the tongue just as much as suburban families and people who support college football. So to summarize, The ButtPoo Corp.'s extreme contempt for humanity sees no color. For all are excrement in the eyes of the mighty and majestic ButtPoo Corp. And making an equality symbol say "inequal" will just plain upset people, increasing selfishness and loathing by 15%.

A quick side note: Although the Buttpoo Corp. discriminates equally, you are still quite unequal as we use a rich/poor, smart/stupid scale to contain our demographics. We tend to target the rich/smart section, because they give us money. The poor/smart/stupid section still gives us money, just not as much and not as willingly. Now that we've cleared that up, back to business.

If you really want to make a serious political statement you will need simply a can of white and red spray paint. Go to any STOP sign you see and stop there. Spray over the ST with red.

After drying, spray a PO where the ST was.

Voila! Now the stop sign says POOP! A humble act of vandalism and possible cause of accidents at best.

Now you got these COEXIST stickers. What the hell are these things? Why would anyone want to "coexist" with a christian, a jew, a muslim or any of those other lousy religions. Those are some of the worst subgenres of humans yet. Under no circumstance should one ever tolerate another's religion. A lower transgression I cannot name, aside from breaking up one's Ramen noodles before cooking. Slap a tolerate oppression sticker over it and get a much better point across.

There, now doesn't that look better?

Remember kids; The Buttpoo Corp. finds every aspect of the human condition quite repulsive, except for your hideous ability to be manipulated and your willingness to give money to organizations in which you've been manipulated into supporting, a trait that the ButtPoo Corp has taken full advantage of (remember to send in your money for stickers)!

With these simple tips you will help affect strife, indifference, and discord throughout the community. And after all, isn't hating everyone equally the first step towards true equality?

Yours truly, wishing I had a pillow to scream in,

                - Nameless ButtPoo Intern #4775

ADVERT:

Since you're all doing it anyway, you might as well remind yourselves and others from forgetting to tolerate oppression. Send in $2 for a stack of stickers. Help enlighten your neighborhood by helping them realize there is no enlightenment.

MERRY 6/16!!

The day is upon us! As we all know 616 is the holy Buttpoo day in which we sacrifice the drugs of our choice to the gods of the Buttpoo pantheon by incinerating the chosen drugs between 2 hot kneeves and inhaling them through a broken glass bottle. So remember to enjoy your marijuana, pcp, and various other narcotics in the name of Chief Iron Lung, Phlangies the Merciless, Felxtch the Irate, Rogzardo and the lesser tyrants under the shadow of the mighty Ice Rhombus. Forgetting to offer your sacrament to the Mighty Ones will surely result in a torturous wrath the likes of which are inconceivable to mortal man.

It is my personal assurance that the Dark Lormbf and Ctwatsah wish you a most unhappy time for this holiday season. And they forced me to remind you to keep your chip and beer supplies high as they plan to invade and assault many homes this day.

Have a happy holiday for me as I have been made to work today and will be eating the sulfur deposits off several of the ButtPoo Corp's massive uranium mines.

"Happy" Holidays!

Yours truly, praying again for death,

           - Nameless Buttpoo Intern #4775

PS-Today would be a great day to begin applying the lessons from yesterday's post.;)